Dating and HIV
by Ann

The first week of January 1993, just seven years ago now, I was diagnosed HIV positive. Although I was a former IV drug user and was clean and sober for ten years at the time, I had never been tested. There was a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I probably should now that the facts were showing that people could actually carry the virus for over ten years with no symptoms. I promised myself that the next time I got into a serious relationship my partner and me would get tested. Well, be careful what you wish for and about what you promise yourself because not very long after having that thought, in walked Mr. Wonderful.

It was definitely "the big bang." We were inseparable and head over heels very quickly. Within a few short weeks we had thrown both caution and condoms to the wind and were having unsafe intercourse. We both agreed, he very matter of factly, and I slightly less matter a factly, to get tested. It was at that point that I started thinking/worrying about the possibility that I was infected. I didn't really believe that it was possible that I was because I was the picture of health and it had been over ten years...But as you already know, what did I know?

I will never forget that gray, ominous, winter morning riding up First Avenue in a cab to the clinic to get the results. They brought us in together and quickly told him that he tested negative and without missing a beat quickly told me that I hadn't. What a surreal moment! One that, unfortunately, I can assume that everyone reading this article can identify with. 
The good news is that although we had only been together for about six weeks, at that point there wasn't a second thought about bailing on his part. I thought maybe a small part of the team approach was about the fact that we had been having unsafe sex and he knew that he would have to be tested for the next six or so months to know his status. However, we did stay together for the next three years, two and a half years after he knew his negative status, so it did not turn out to be about that. The same day that we found out the results, we met at his place later in the evening. He arrived with a present in both hands. Behind door number one was a book about living with HIV, living being the operative word, and behind door number two was a really hot adult video to spice up the great sex life we were about to have!

Part of what kept me in that relationship longer than I might have stayed otherwise was the underlying fear and reluctance to be out in the dating world again with my new status. But there I found myself nonetheless!

Much to my surprise Mr. Wonderful number two showed up after traveling only three months down the singles path. Major sparks were flying!! After just a few dates it was heating up at a fast pace. What to do? How to reveal my status? When? At what point? Were there sex acts that could be performed without telling? These were just a few of the myriad questions flying through my brain. I have struggled with these questions. It's a very personal decision and we live with our choices. 

I decided to tell him after a few intimate encounters that did not include intercourse. After a day of stress-induced diarrhea, and with my heart racing in my chest, I explained in the most positive light (no pun intended) my situation and what that meant to me and in relation to him. After a few questions on his part and a little more discussion, he excused himself to use the bathroom. When he returned, he sat down very close to me on the couch, leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Don't think this will get you out of having sex with me tonight." "Yes!!! There is a god," I thought.

A year and a half later I found myself single again. That last relationship ended for a million of the reasons that relationships end, the very least of which the issue was HIV. The next serious relationship did not happen for another year or so. There was a lot of fun and definitely a lot of casual sex in that time period. It was so casual and with people I knew there would never be a relationship, much less a future, with and therefore I made a personal decision not to disclose my status, but of course always practiced safe sex. When I started seeing Mr. Wonderful number three I knew that my next disclosure session was in the very near future!

Once again I panicked at the thought of disclosure. The fact that the previous two boyfriends had not run out of the room screaming when told did not seem to take my fear and anxiety away. When I am ready to tell someone, it is because I have made a decision that I want something more with that person and therefore I have already crossed the line into some type of emotional investment and have hopes for the future. The stakes always feel high. 

I revealed my status to him much in the same way I had to number two. His reaction was one of relief! When I told him to sit down because we needed to talk about something important, it seemed he thought I might be "dismissing" him. He accepted what I told him about my status and my health (which is excellent by the way) and never looked back at the subject again. Who'd think it? 

Fast forward to November '99. I ended the last relationship because it just wasn't what I wanted in the long run. I began the dating process again. Since I had never limited myself to "our community" it didn't at all seem that inappropriate for me to try the '90's thing and do an online personal ad. Well, wouldn't you know that four dates into the process Mr. Gorgeous Big Hunk Wonderful number four walks, or should I say e-mails, his way into my life. 

It was a whirlwind. (OK, so it can happen every few years!) I knew once again that at the pace it was progressing that we would not get past the fourth date without me disclosing my status. I should have felt some confidence after the first three reactions I got. But somehow, disclosing feels like flipping a coin... It's a 50-50 chance every time. 
I rehearsed and practiced and rehearsed and practiced. I had a "conversation" at least fifty times with him in the mirror. If it were an audition I definitely would have gotten the part. The day of truth came again...the presentation was not yet different from the times before. As a matter of fact the initial reaction was the same too. He asked a number of questions, but ultimately said that if he wanted to be involved with me, whom he did, he would have to deal with it. I thought, hallelujah! Four by Four! Strike up the band!

There is a certain vulnerability that comes with disclosure because you have just let someone in on one of the most intimate pieces of information that one can share, often out of necessity, because of the nature of transmission, and necessarily because someone had earned that knowledge. After disclosing to Mr. number four, I felt the walls that I had been holding up melt away because it felt "safe" now.

I could never have been prepared for, nor could have imagined what would happen next. The next morning it seems his best friend, a cardiologist, after being told the situation had him in his office by 10am for an HIV test. A few days later, his therapist, after being told there had been some sexual intimacy, but not intercourse, prior to disclosure, asked if he was thinking of suing? That, compounded by some very sketchy and questionable information that he dug up on the topic, probably pushed him over an edge he could not return from. However, I've come to realize that if one does not want to be pushed over the edge there is much one can do not to be.

As for me, and my reaction to the reaction, I will have to admit that it was quite upsetting and threw me for a while. I think that it was not just that for the first time I was rejected, but somehow the reality of really having a condition that would prevent someone from wanting to be involved with me became a reality. Up until that point I knew it was a possibility and eventually even a probability intellectually, but not until that moment did I know it on a gut level. That was really a difficult pill to swallow. 

Well, I am happy to inform you that this girl always gets right back on the horse! I have two new dates set for this weekend. No disclosures are planned for the moment but it is only a matter of time. I don't know that I will do it any differently than I have in the past, but I do know this: it will be what it will be. There are many negative prospective partners for all of us, and I for one don't feel that I have to limit myself to our small group. I come first and there is so much that makes me who I am. I just also happen to carry around this unwanted, unasked for virus and somehow, it's okay!